undyingwavesong

Employment - This Wednesday is very important to me; I'll finally be able to order a kit that I need. One that will have everything necessary to start this job. I'll have access to all of the information I need (and then some) while I am waiting for the kit to arrive.

I am a happy song. I've sought out and have been absorbing as much information as I can find about this, everything has been positive so far.


Driving - I've been doing this a LOT, but I still feel like I have so much to learn. The driving part is going well, I'm learning more and more with all of the practice. I'm still trying to develop a sense of direction; A sense of where, exactly, I am. I feel like, at this point, I'd get lost very easily. Hrm. Is there a way I can kick my sense of direction into gear, or will that come naturally after more practice..?

A dream that I've been having over and over again: Uncle Ray is just fine. Everything that happened was some sort of gigantic misunderstanding, somehow. The funeral never took place, never existed. He woke up in the hospital, no longer in a coma, and spoke with us. Ray was finally able to come home. I remember giving him so many hugs, and asking him so many questions. He laughed and coughed a little before answering one of them.

If only the dream could be true.


Last night's version was the most realistic yet.

My buddy westly_roanoke is wondering if there is a way he could possibly have an open Canvas session with me sometime. He has bootcamp for his Mac, which allows him to run Windows on his machine. Thing is, he has no version of Windows for it!

Mac users, what do you use to run .exes ? I know I've oCed with some of you that use Macs in the past - what program did you use then?

Thanks!

Listening to my grandparents argue. They do not want me involved. When I hear them bickering at one another, I want to "break it up". It hurts to hear my grandmother saying cruel things to my grandfather. Am I taking things too hard?

It just seems like a vicious cycle, spiraling downwards. My grandma wants to be angry with my grandpa, often over the smallest of things. She thinks that he cannot grasp very basic concepts. My feelings on the matter are this: I think that my grandpa is getting nervous. The way my grandmother words things confuses him, and I think he might feel particularly nervous around her, perhaps because he feels he will do too many things wrong around her, thus upsetting her. It is difficult for him to know how to handle this, but he is smarter than she seems to be giving him credit for.

This is a downward spiral of what feels like my grandmother thinking lesser and lesser of my grandfather as time goes on. Earlier today, my grandfather asked where "Ray" was. My grandmother looked at me wordlessly, with an expression that seemed to say, 'he's finally lost it all-together, what do I do?' Finally she said to me, "He wants to know where Ray is."
Now, I know that my grandfather has a tendency to mix up names in his head, and get them confused. Heck, even I do that. But sometimes my grandpa will call me "Mary". (My biological mother, who passed away very shortly after I was born)

I then asked him, "Do you mean that you want to know where Stephen is?" (Stephen is Ray's son), and my grandpa said, "Yes, that's what I meant."

I am beyond excited, to say the least!

Things might be looking up now, more-so than I could ever imagine..


I may have a job very soon. Not just any job, but one that I would feel strongly about. One that would be easy to dedicate myself to because I'd feel passionate about it.

Not only that, but it would also allow me to continue caring for my grandparents at the same time, because I'd still have a lot of time to be able to do that.


Really want to avoid going into any more detail than this, at least for the time being. I've already gotten excited enough over the past couple of days - The more detail I go into, the more excited I get, and the bigger the disappointment if, somehow, my plans fall through or do not work out.

in conclusion: \@0@/ oO(OH BOY!!)

I've been hearing the same thing from everyone on this matter: Have Arlo neutered. I'm told that this will calm him down a lot.

On Wednesday, we'll be taking him to the vet to have that done, and hopefully we'll be able to get him his other shots, as well.


If it turns out that I am unable to keep him, at least his chances of being adopted / finding a good home will be better.


Arlo is different from the other cats that I've met.. He's such a sweetheart.

My grandmother decided that she doesn't want Arlo around anymore.

After Ike went to work today, she asked me if I could give the cat to drakenbyte.

I asked her why, because, up until now, she said she liked Arlo, and that she didn't want us to get rid of him.

When I asked that, she started crying and saying that she just couldn't take the kitten around anymore. She said he ran around too much.



Before now, I've been talking to her, trying to get her to answer honestly about how she feels about Arlo. She kept telling me that she liked the cat, and that he was very sweet. I really, really, really wish that she would have told me the truth before, because now Arlo and I are very attached to each other.

He's a very sweet cat, and he's learning quickly. Keep in mind, I am NOT a "cat person" - Every cat I've ever met didn't like me for some reason, would either scratch / bite me, or just run away.

Not Arlo. He nuzzles, licks, sits in your lap, purrs a LOT. He's so pretty. He curls up on my pillow next to my head at night, and sleeps there. He hasn't slept anywhere else so far.

I feel devastated.

I feel like I just snapped out of something...

Kind of like I woke up, after being asleep for quite a while. That I can think a bit more clearly.

I have some pretty nice photos of Arlo now, which will be uploaded at .. er, some point!

I have a question.


What is a good amount of time for a cat to be closed in a "no play" room? In order to teach Arlo not to do certain things, I've been using the spray bottle. Other times I've been picking him up by the scruff of his neck (which seems to be the least successful out of all of the methods, 'cause he just always IMMEDIATELY goes back to doing whatever he was doing that was wrong once I put him back down O.o), and now he has also been getting "time outs" in a room with no fun. He seems to dislike that more than anything else.

What is the best amount of time for him to be in the room?


Arlo seems to have learned to not chew on cords. With every few new things he learns not to do, he seems to try to find other new things. He's been experimenting with how far he can jump, and where he can jump to that allows him to get away with it.

Things are okay..

As okay as they can be.

The visitation was put together wonderfully, everything looked amazing.

Uncle Ray looked amazing, too. I kept thinking he would just.. be able to wake up, be able to look around and be okay.


It is still very difficult for me to believe that he won't be with us anymore.

I'm having serious doubts about this.

How can they even go to the visitation, in the state that they're in? Especially grandpa.

Don't think most realize how bad off he is.

My uncle's visitation is today, and the funeral is tomorrow.


I hope that I am strong enough.

Worried about my grandparents, cousins and aunt more than anything.

No fear yet, no dread, haven't even been able to cry.

Just the empty feeling.


I cannot believe that he will no longer be here. I cannot accept that he is just .. gone.



He was in a coma for over ten months.

My grandparents are "mom" and "dad". Ray was my older brother. Legally, that's what he really was.


Feeling so sick.

When I woke up today, my grandfather told me that my uncle had died.


I feel so empty.

My grandma and grandpa have been fighting more and more as time goes on.

I believe that what my grandma is trying to do is to help the best way she can. I'm around her constantly, and I feel correct in saying that she is a smart woman. Despite everything she's been through, she's sharp and can make decisions. She has opinions, and she is not afraid to express them.

The problem is that she can sometimes have a difficult time expressing those ideas that she wants to express. Among the many troubles that her stroke has left her with, difficulty converting her thoughts into speech is one of them. Sometimes sentences just do not want to come out, or she can't think of the right words to use. (Then again, everyone is like that sometimes, aren't they? I know I am.)

Grandfather has his own troubles to deal with. Sometimes the things he says are confusing, his words come out as mumbling, or he simply does not / cannot say them in a high enough volume for others to hear.
He may also have a difficult time seeing things that are in front of him, or other times he says that certain things are here or there, when they are not. (Example: he may say that someone is sitting on the couch, when no one is, in fact, there..)

Grandmother seems to think that every action grandfather takes, or needs to take, should be "policed". Here is a specific example:

After I have prepared dinner and bring their food to them, it is likely that they have already been arguing with one another. To be honest, the arguments are generally one-sided; My grandmother will say things to my grandfather such as "Put the napkin in your lap so you won't spill food on yourself." If my grandpa appears as if he isn't doing that quickly enough, she says "Papa, wake up and put the napkin in your lap."
If he puts the napkin on the table, instead of in his lap, she will snap harshly, saying "No! Not there, put the napkin in your lap!"
From there, she will continue to instruct him very specifically on what he is and is not supposed to do. While she may not be doing this on purpose, the way she words the instructions are often harsh, demanding, or degrading. It also appears that, for the most part, the way she instructs him to do things confuses him further.
To continue with the example I was using, let's say that the napkin looks like it is about to fall on the floor. How grandma reacts to this situation makes the mistake seem like a much larger issue than it really is. "Papa, look out! Watch out or your napkin's gonna fall out of your lap!"
At this point, it is likely that the napkin is going to fall, anyway.

The tones she uses are often quite harsh, as I've said.

From what I understand, it appears that her interactions with him consist of, "having to deal with him". There's no "spending time with him", just "dealing with."
After they have had lunch, or dinner, etc, she insists that he goes to lay down in his bedroom. It feels as if she is saying, "Go away, leave me alone" without using those words specifically.

Grandfather takes a lot of naps now. If he isn't napping, it seems like he is either being scolded, or told what to do.

I do not want this information to portray my grandmother in a bad light, because she is not a bad person by any means. I love both my grandma and grandpa dearly.

I just do not know what to do. The "napkin example" is, after all, just one example.

Asking my step-aunt for advice appeared to be the wrong idea, due to the assorted assumptions that she seems to have made about Ike, and myself. Among these assumptions: Ike and I have put my grandparents into debt, or we are neglected them.
My grandparents do not have any debt, and certainly are not being neglected. I've been dedicating myself to both of them for a long time now.

But I know that I can't keep doing these things by myself. I know that I cannot keep living this way, and they shouldn't have to continue living the way they are, either. They are often unhappy and, despite everything I have tried so far, they just seem less and less happy as time goes on. Something needs to happen, or start happening. I just do not know what. My goal is for them to both be as happy as they could possibly be.

I have goals, too. I know that Ike and I cannot stay with them forever, but we cannot (and do not want) just leave them. They are in need, they require assistance, and before steps can be taken to -really- get our own lives moving again, I would want to make absolutely sure, more than anything, that they are both happy, feel loved, and taken care of. That means that they are going to need more people around than just me.

Beyond that is where I am left in the dark, feeling blind about what to do next. Because of what happened with my step-aunt, it leaves me feeling very uncertain about where I should turn now. My grandparents live in a house on the same property that my step-aunt lives on, so I wouldn't want to do anything without running it by her first, nor would I want to set any plans into motion that she may disapprove of.

Pretty sure I make posts like this on a relatively regular basis, now. Here we go again!


Thank you ALL for all of the help and advice you've been giving me, and just.. being there for me, or just being there in general.. I really appreciate all of you. So much.


Some of you are doing very well right now. I hope things continue to go well, and to even improve that much more for you.

Some of you are not doing so well, but things are starting to look up. May life improve more and more for you, and I wish you the best in all of your goals.

Others are not doing very well, to say the least.. And things are going down-hill. My greatest wish for you, is that life will take a turn for the better, and quickly. I send you strength, love, and hope. May there be light, even during the darkest of times.

For 12 days now, I've been taking one tablet daily - 20 mg of citalopram. That is, the medication that I was told to take after visiting the doctor.

So, let's talk about the results...

+ Able to fall asleep, every single night, for over a week now. Sleep all night.
+ Dreams are no longer all nightmarish. (In fact, have had two good dreams the past two nights!)
+ Feeling capable, taking charge of anxiety issues, instead of the anxiety issues taking charge of me (This has helped profoundly with driving)
+ Feeling passionate about many of the things that I had previously lost interest in
+ Finally able to cease dwelling on depressing, negative thoughts.
+ Nausea has become considerably less frequent (note: hasn't left entirely)

Over all. . . I'm genuinely surprised that this is working. I didn't think that it would work.. I had bad experiences with lexapro in the past, but I'm not getting any of those things with the citalopram. I had two BAD nights when I first started taking the citalopram, but that cleared up; Honestly, I had been feeling sick before then too, and had a fever, so I'm not sure how much the medication was to blame for that. I suspect that I was just sick.

I also had not realized just how much of "myself" I had lost, and had been losing, over time. I feel like I have me back again. I know that probably sounds strange, but I also know that some of you know exactly what I'm talking about..

I'm still nervous, though. In the back of my mind, there's this faint fear that everything will fall apart for me again, or that I'll wake up one morning, just as I was before; Feeling like a ghost, wandering aimlessly, naturally disconnected from everyone and everything. Hovering over the world without real life. And as much as that soul may wish to interact, it could only do so much.

Another lovely day.

This cool(er) weather has me so happy!

Going to get a lot of things done today.

Also going to go driving here in a minute.. Been doing that a lot. Still feel like I haven't developed a sense of direction yet, augh! That will take more time..

There are things that have been awesome and (badly) frightening. I'll start with the good. Thank you to those who take the time to read the bad, also.

-Some Awesome-

(a) I've been driving more and more. I'm shooting for every day, if possible. Ike has been incredibly, profoundly, unequivocally helpful with teaching me. He has been pushing me to do certain things with driving when pushing is needed, and patient when patience is needed. There are still plenty of things I need to improve upon, but I am at least to the point where I am starting to feel as though I'm getting a sense of where I am when I'm on the road, and how to get to where I need to go. Practice, practice. I need it, I want it.

(b) Ike and I were able to meet up with ze beautiful ladies, Drakenbyte, Laiho, and their lovely friend (curse my inability to remember names :/), and together we all went to see Zombieland! It was better than I expected, but the whole experience was amazing, because awesome friends were involved. They're so sweet and fun to be around ♥! (The last time we went to see a movie was, ..well, Wall-E. O.o)

(c) Finally, a visit to the doctor.. I'm so thankful. I put together some information about everything that had been going on, and it would seem as though I am going through more than I realized. It was .. a different experience, seeing it all written down. Most of what I'm suffering from are things that Ike used to go through all of the time. :(
I am now taking the same medication he is, 20 mg of citalopram. I'm feeling very hopeful about this, because I've seen first-hand how helpful this has already been for Ike, and I know how difficult things were for him before..
Just desperate for the relief.


-Some Very Frightening-

(a) We are to the point where we're not sure how much longer we're going to be able to live in the same house with my grandparents, because we are becoming less and less able to provide for them. I'm worried for their safety, and their sanity. I do not want to put them through any stressful situations, and I feel like I have been because of my anxiety and depression, despite trying my hardest not to.
When the time comes that we need to leave, we have no idea where we could live, if anywhere.

(b) When I laid down to try to sleep last night, I suddenly started shivering, and sweating at the same time. Feeling sick. I could tell that I had a fever. I tried to at least continue to lie there, knowing that I wouldn't be able to actually sleep, but..

(c) I heard a loud THUMP, one that I am horribly familiar with. I knew it meant that someone had fallen out of bed. It was my grandpa again, he had just rolled right over and fallen out of bed, and ended up hurting his hand pretty badly in the process. I have no idea what I would have done if Ike hadn't been there.. He was eventually able to help my grandpa back up, with some difficulty, but my grandpa is a big guy, and I would have been helpless to get him back up again if I had been the only one there. :(


Feverish and sleepy now, but unable to sleep. Will try again tonight.

Thank you guys for all of the Happy Things that you took the time to share! I haven't gotten to look at all of them yet, but I will. @_@ <33333333


Listening to this at the moment: http://www.imeem.com/kerplunked/music/pDcv6kKr/vigilante-beneath-the-surface-oc-remix/


A very peaceful melody. :)